Monday, June 22, 2015

How to Clean Your House in 30 Minutes or Less (for slackers only)

All adults have mastered the ability to pull off the bare-minimum get-ready-for-work-because-I-overslept-and-have-to-leave-in-ten-minutes hair and outfit combo.  You know—the days when you are chanting in your head, “I just have to look professional, not fashionable.”  But few of us can do the same with our houses.  While I might not be the queen of the slackers, I definitely have a tendency to let my house get away from me on occasion. As a matter of necessity, I decided I needed to have a go-to plan for the quickly arriving visitor. 

Let’s say you have 30 minutes and your house is a disaster.  

Start chanting the following:

Messy is better than filthy. 
Smells clean, it is clean. 


1. Lock the children in the closet. Leave them there until the 18th birthday of your youngest child. 

2. Mop your kitchen with strong smelling cleaner. Throw dishes in sink to hide dirty sink. 
Alternate: spray cleaner in the air to give false appearance that you cleaned. Both provide the excuse that the smell gave you an allergy attack so you must only allow guest in to the backyard due to said allergies. 

3. Vacuum your living room before you pick up all the toys. Vacuum around them and under them as needed.  Then you can say, “Look what my children did when I was in the shower!” (This works best if you have remembered to let children out of closet first.)

4. Wet hair to make shower excuse plausible. 

5. Take a laundry basket and using a one-armed sweep, clear your table into the laundry basket. Hide basket in the basement. 

6.  Close any door possible, pull shower curtain shut. 

7. Scatter important looking books around the house to create excuse for the mess.

8. When guest arrives, talk a lot and make expansive hand gestures to distract them. 


Alternatively, ignore entire mess and bake cookies. They may think you are a slob, but they will forgive you anything if you greet them with hot, delicious cookies.