Sunday, October 26, 2014

In Which We Take Dog to the Vet

If you read my post about Dog's allegedly fragile self esteem, you know Dog has been acting out lately.  He's particularly fond of grocery bags, both disposable and reusable. I was concerned about this sudden obsession, so we took him to the vet. 

Trader Joe's bags are delicious

I did some googling about suddenly destructive dogs, and I was worried about tooth aches and brain tumors, so I figured before I yelled at Dog excessively I should rule out any medical problems. 

ME:  Dog has never been destructive. Now every morning I wake up to a pile of shredded things. 

VET:  Well, he doesn't have a tumor. He's walking fine, there's no indication of neurological issues. His teeth are fine. No fever. He looks happy.

ME:  He's 11 now, and my ex has a dog that is also 11 and that can no longer go all night with out going to the  bathroom. Maybe he's frustrated that he has to hold it too long?

VET:  Wouldn't he just go on the floor instead of shredding things?
(Looks at me like I am a nut case who knows nothing about dogs.)

ME: Well, there's a lot of construction near our house. Could he be stressed out from all the noise?

VET:  Wouldn't he shred stuff during the day, then?  Why would he wait to shred stuff at night when it was quiet?
(I was starting to think he thought I was an idiot. I was starting to think he had a point.)

VET:  He could have developed obsessive-compulsive disorder.  We could give him Prozac.  Are you sure he has never been destructive before? It's rare for a dog to suddenly develop destructive tendencies. 

ME:  No, he's never shredded anything. (pause)  Well, he used to eat crayons, action figures, blocks and Thomas Trains. But nothing that was mine. 

Um, wait. Dog has always been destructive.  He just ate the kids' stuff. I never cared until it was my stuff.  Yes, I did just pay someone $47 to have the realization that I may be selfish and self-centered. Just a bit.   

VET:  And when did he stop eating all the plastic toys?

ME: When I made the kids clean the house regularly. 

VET:  So he's always been destructive and ate plastic. 

ME:  Well, yes. 

VET: Have you considered buying him a chew toy?

ME: Um, no.

VET:  They sell them at many stores. Dogs like them. 

Dog thinks the Vet is tons of fun

MORAL #1 = Keeping a clean house is stressful to Dog. 

MORAL #2 =  I am an asshat who only cares when the dog eats my stuff.

MORAL #3 = Dog is just an asshat. 

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