Monday, October 7, 2013

Mastering the Mean Mama Face

I'm super scary when I'm blue-green.

I have never mastered the scary face, and as a result, I yell a lot.  My ex-husband is the reigning King of the Scary Face, and even though we are divorced, in a kind moment he tried to give me some pointers.

Just look at them like you really want to rip their heads off.  And mean it.

I tried. I tried hard. I even was able to really want to rip their heads off so my face was completely honest and strong.  And it still didn't work.  They looked at me with my big scary face and kept on doing exactly what they were doing before. I went back to yelling, lecturing.

I have volunteered in my sons' school, and I can't get those kids to listen to me either.  I yell. I turn out the lights.  I do everything I remember teachers doing, and they just act like I am not even there.  Other parents step into the class and the room goes silent.

It makes me wonder. 

Have you ever seen a child who seems to have a target painted on their forehead? That in spite of being adorable and sweet and well-behaved always seems to be the victim?

Contrast that to the confident girl in high school that really wasn't that pretty, but was authoritative and demanded that people respect and fear her and everyone just did.

Is my lack of scary face really just a grown up version of not having a strong, confidence presence?

Or am I just too nice? Do people, even small people who can barely blow their own noses, just walk all over nice people?

Perhaps I need to hire a small child to do some P.R. work and spread rumors about how incredibly mean I am and how I once fed a child to a live snake or put them in time out in the dark with a lot of large spiders.  Perhaps I need to use my sons' Optimus Prime voice changer helmet so every time I speak I sound like a big scary robot that is Not To Be Fucked With.  Or maybe I should buy those contacts that make your eyes pure white.

At any rate, this isn't working:

Behave! Or give me fiber.

Come to think of it, I look more constipated than mean. Maybe that's been my problem all along.

1 comment:

  1. Haha I wish I could master the mean VOICE! I just sound shrill. Loved this article, especially the part about the PR work!!


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