Thursday, September 5, 2013

I Was Almost Brainwashed by the Groceriarchy

I was nearly brainwashed by the groceriarchy. Or perhaps, it is more accurate to say that I have been successfully brainwashed by the groceriarchy but I managed to regain my reasoning.

I used to scoff at the the frozen PB&J sandwiches in the grocery store which were prepackaged for people too damn lazy to make a peanut butter sandwich and not strict enough to force their kids to make their own blasted sandwich (as I had to do starting in 1st grade).  Although I have to admit I was tempted over the years, I always fell back on a solid belief that I had no excuse to be so lazy/indulgent as to buy frozen sandwiches.  It was my parental bottom line.

(Note my high standards of parenting.)

Today I dropped both boys off at school and went to the grocery store alone.  I had an embarrassingly tender moment when I did not select a race-car shopping cart now that both boys are in school all day, I can shop alone. On the way in I saw a display of prepackaged Wheat Thins. I stopped. I reversed my cart. I had no children with me so I could peruse the display to my hearts content.  

Tiny Pants loves Wheat Thins. The majority of his diet is too depressing to share, but there are a few things he eats that I feel good about, like Wheat Thins. If Wheat Thins are really made out of butterfly wings and fairy toes dipped in salt, I do not want to hear about it. I chose to believe they are healthy and I can't bear to be wrong about this. Keep your knowledge to yourself.  

The idea of pre-packaged single-serving Wheat Thins filled me with wonder. I was in awe that they had made such an amazing product! I could show off my fine parenting skills by sending Wheat Thins in for snack and other people could witness that Tiny Pants like something besides marshmallows and air!  

But then crushing disappointment set in as I realized that the precious Wheat Thin mini-packs were of three different varieties, including  something with the words "Zesty" or perhaps "Tomato." I knew those words—they are Latin for "Things You Children Will Never Eat."  Sigh. I left the display empty handed.

I went to the cracker aisle and looked for regular Wheat Thins packaged in convenient small servings, but I couldn't not find them.  I was actually in like at the check out still lamenting the lack of prepackaged single-serving Wheat Thins when it hit me. I already owned Wheat Thins in a good old-fashioned yellow box. As I sadly mourned the lack of handyWheat Thins, I watched the box of sandwich bags  I had just rung up go by on the conveyor belt.

It was like the light of reason was shining down on me from above, right there in the self check out line.  Then it struck me—I had just narrowly escaped total brainwashing of the groceriarchy, and I better warn everyone else about it.

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