Thursday, September 26, 2013

Hey Guys, I remember - Childhood Sucked

There are always people talking about how being a grown up is worse than they bargained for, how they don't like being a grown up, and how they just want to go color in their fort.  

They must have had better childhoods than I did.

Top 10 Things That Sucked the Most About Being A Child (and why I would never go back).

1. You have no control over what you eat.
2. You have no control over where you go.
3. You have no limited access to your friends and unlimited access to your brother. (who smells.)
4. You have an assigned bedtime and you don't like going to bed.
5. Other people make all the rules that you have to follow, and they yell a lot if you don't obey.  Sometimes they spank you or send you to your room.
6. School is boring.
7. There's a lot of repetitive homework.
8.  90% of your teachers appear to hate children. 
9. You aren't old enough to watch the really good movies.
10. No one wants to kiss you yet except your mom.

I'm leaving off things like doing chores and having too small of an allowance, because these things suck universally, regardless of your age.

Childhood was a time when you had absolutely no control over your fate and were legally bossed around by everyone older than you.  It was not a time of  unlimited play and rolling in daisies.  I would not go back. I would not be 10, or 20, or even 30 again, and I do not understand those who lament being a grown up.

Being a grown up rocks.  You get to make the rules. You get to pick out your own clothes and your own dinner, and stay up late if you want to, or go to bed at 7:00pm. You pick where you live, what friends come over, and you are old enough to watch any movie you want to, even the really dirty ones.  People want to kiss you. No matter what demographic you are, someone will think you are hot, and no matter what turns you on, with the internet now you can find them rather easily:

Geek Love! 
Curvy Girls Rule! 
Fan of People Who Breathe Air!
People Who Like People With Some Sort of Genitalia!

Life can be hard. Relationship drama, work trauma, money refusing to grow on trees, all of that stuff sucks about being a grown up, but all of that sucked in childhood too.

Maybe everyone else had a mother that gave them nothing but candy and cash every morning when they woke up. Maybe everyone else had birds singing and squirrels dancing on rainbows as they walked to school. I didn't.  I walked to school because i wasn't old enough to drive. And it was cold sometimes, and it rained sometimes, and it didn't kill me, but it wasn't fun either. 

This makes me think I am too nice to my children. I better start meaning-up so they want to grow up, too. the last thing I want is a child who spends the rest of his life wishing he was back at age ten.   Seriously.  I am making their childhood all carousels and birthday parties and ice cream.  This will make the rest of their life pale in comparison, and the rest of their life is proportionally a lot longer than childhood. 

Let the beatings begin!  More rules! Less cookies!  Let me help you to hate your childhood so you will really enjoy being a grown up!

Or maybe you will get used to being happy, maybe your little brains won't get pre-wired to tolerate depression.  Maybe giving you the best childhood I can will lead you to demand the best adulthood possible.  Maybe I am setting the standard appropriately high. 

Nah, I'll probably have the type of kids that stay home until they are forty. Who am I fooling? 

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