Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Germ Extravaganza!

Thanks to TheCubicleRebel for the great art!

Children are little bags of germs, and not air-tight ones.  In fact, when they get around other little bags of germs children, they stick to each other and meld and mix until it becomes one great big giant Germ Extravaganza.

I suppose, if i were hip and cool, I'd call it Germapalooza but I'm not hip, I'm quasi-literary so Extravaganza it is. Besides, if you say both of them out loud you will notice that Extravaganza! uses not only more facial muscles (good for toning) but also more upwardly tilting muscles which will make for "good" happy wrinkles instead of downward tugging "bad" wrinkles from saying words like germapalooza repeatedly.

(Yes, I did just receive questions about why I was sitting here saying Extravaganza! over and over. No, my answer was unsatisfying to all involved. Yes, I'm sure my blog would be better if I deleted the last paragraph, but then i would've to delete this paragraph as well, and that becomes a deletion of 2/3 of today's writing and we can't have that.)  

Germs. Back to germs.  Children have them and they give them to adults, although we don't want them at all. We have things to do like work and grocery shopping and volunteering at school and making life function for everybody, and we don't want to do it sick.  Worse yet, we don't want to entertain sick, bored whimpering children who are too sick to go to school but not sick enough to just lie on the couch and sleep like we really want to do but aren't able to do because we are adults and we have to get all this stuff done or the world will collapse.  Children don't even know how to  be sick.  They don't sleep and they get bored and they fuss and whine and spread germs around  like they are buttering the entire surface of the house and there's a prize for not missing a spot.

Kids are gross. Kids don't believe in kleenex or hand sanitizer or washing any part of their bodies, including their hands, EVER. Unfortunately, there's not a real strong solution to this.  I met a man once who had a theory that all children should be laminated (with air holes) so they could be wiped clean more easily, but I think they would lose their hug-ability, and let's be honest, one of children's best redeeming features is their snuggly nature.  We need to keep them soft and somewhat pliant, I think.

I'd like to encase them in a non-permeable bubble of warm clear life-sustaining jelly that they could breathe and eat and would have the added benefit of protecting them when they fell off their bikes. You could hug them through the jelly bag, too, or sit on them if you need extra seating at a party.   I need someone to invent this for me, double quick.  I can't imagine why no one has yet invented such an obvious solution. 

previously posted on Blogher

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