Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Buying Good Ass-Jeans

I have an ass. I sit on it every day, so I know it is there. I do not, however, have any idea on its relative goodness or badness.

I also have tits. (We are going with the word "tits" here because "tits and ass" was a common term in the 1980's when I came of age. Sorry if it offends you.) I know a lot about my tits, which bras and shirts make them look good, what makes them look like a sausage in a too-tight skin. I am intimately acquainted with my tits and how to showcase them to their full advantage.  

Not so my ass.  I suppose I have a moderately good ass, because historically I have wound up with "ass men" instead of "tit men" which i never understood because my ass was just there, and my tits were both there and fabulous. Maybe it's because I can't see my ass that I don't appreciate it?

Sadly, because of my lack of ability to figure out my ass's best characteristics, I am unable to buy a good pair of "ass-jeans" on my own.  I try on jeans. I look at my ass over my shoulder, and it just looks like….my ass in jeans.  I am completely baffled.

I once had a pair of what I thought were the awesomest ass-jeans ever when I was twenty.  My then-boyfriend, soon to be ex-husband, walked by and said, "Wow, your ass looks huge in those jeans!"  I took them off, defeated.

My only method of self-defense is to bring a friend with me to try on jeans, and ask her if my ass looks good or not.  Luckily, Asterisk is always willing to shop with me and give her solid, un-wishy washy opinions on my ass.  All I can do is trust that her opinion is the correct one.

I mention all of this because I just bought new jeans and I am flying on pure faith that they are the best ass-jeans in my closet.  I am about to go to a bar and want to wear jeans, and want them to look good, and I have no freaking idea if they do or not.  

This is yet another example of how although I present as a feminine, reasonably attractive female, I just feel like an impostor. Where do people go to learn about buying ass-jeans? What is the correct ass standard for a woman my age?  Does anyone have any good ass-jeans rules of thumb?  

My mother went to a finishing school type of thing, where they learned to dance and what gloves to wear with what dress and other things female.  I propose that someone institutes a modern version, that includes how to pick out jeans and what shoes go with what outfits.  Since my drag-queen roommate moved out when I was 26 I have been impaired in that department as well…. 

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