Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Scooters From Outer Space! And I Get to Review Them!


I am a new blogger. I have a growing audience who read my stuff for which I am eternally grateful, but I have not yet come to the attention of corporate America until today.

Today I opened my email to see my first product review request! Or maybe it's spam.

TO: only-mama@hotmail.com
RE: KOKMAX New Sports Gifts Toys Items Recommending

Are they recommending I buy them or recommending I recommend them? I just had to find out. 

O.M.G. It's a Space Scooter. A freaking scooter from outer space that must have landed in China!!!

It has a description. before you mock him/her for his poor English translation, remember that first they had to translate from the Alien handbook to Chinese or Mandarin, or whatever they prefer as their native tongue, and then into English.

(I assume the aliens provided a handbook with their Space Scooter, it would be irresponsible f they didn't, and maybe even intergalactically liable.)

The end result is the lovely and poetic Space Scooter, with the following explanation (abridged):

Riding with both hands horizontal and grasp the front direction. 
Hold on: It will allow me to grasp directions.  I will finally get  to harness the power of North!!

Alternately forced stampede pedal, make the pedal move like a seesaw.
I am starting a list of forced stampedes I am causing with this thing.

Cows, check.
Kindergarteners, check. 
Bored government workers, check.  
If you need a forced stampede today, let me know. I can totally make that happen!

Who can resist such technology? After all, it is the world's first patented product!

Not sold yet? If grasping directions and forcing stampedes isn't enough for you (you really are hard to please, this morning, aren't you?) perhaps you will be sold on it's beauty:

Its body ethereal, beautiful and unique. (You are thinking, just like me, aren't you?)

If you are doubting my assertion that this was really translated from Alien to Mandarin to English please note THE CORRECT FORM OF ITS. They did not fall into the easy mistake of apostrophizing it's to show possession.  Know why? Cause Aliens are smart and good at grammar. Obviously.

So beauty isn't your thing? Let me guess. You are worried about the environment and how the aliens might use this to pollute our planet. 
Fear not, it has Green energy, carrying convenience.

Wait -- it has pictures! 

Space Scooters always pose with flowers.

I doubt they are really harnessing North. I want a refund.

Oh.Hmm. Not so spacey. My adrenaline roller coaster has crash landed. I haven't the energy to scroll down to RC FLYING,RUNNING,CLIMBING Toys. That's probably not made by aliens either, although it would be super cool if I could have a remote control flying running climbing machine in time for my birthday….

All images courtesy of a spam email from www.kokmaxtoys.com via frankylee99@gmail.com. Thanks Frankylee!

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