Sunday, July 28, 2013

When Fat Cells Fly

Have you ever noticed how people try and sabotage you when you are dieting? If you convinced yourself that plain egg whites were the ultimate breakfast on a given morning, someone is guaranteed to bring in fresh donuts.  Not only will they eat them in front of you, but they push you to eat one too.  Or have you noticed that friends who are fatter than you try and "plump you up" or push you to finish up that last lonely donut in the box so it won't go stale?

There's a reason, and it's not what you think.  They are not  being bad friends.  They don't hate you and aren't jealous of your smaller figure. It is merely self defense.  They know something you don't know.

Fat can not be created nor destroyed.  If you lose a pound, it is going to fly around the room until it settles on someone nearby's hips.  You have all seen it - as one person in an office gets smaller, all her coworkers get bigger. 

It's like squeezing a balloon:  whatever is inside (air, water, pudding, jello) doesn't evaporate, it just moves to the other end of the space. What, you've never filled a balloon with pudding? What did you do when you were a child?  You probably had Atari, which is just another example of how video games sucks the creativity out of children.  

This is what we used to use Office Temps for.  If everyone in the office was trying to lose weight, we'd hire a temp  or an elderly volunteer for the summer and send all our pounds her way.  Unfortunately they caught on, and after awhile refused to come to our office anymore. 

Although maybe it was  because I made the temps/volunteers do nothing but file while I looked over their shoulder telling them how wrong they were doing it.  "No, that is not filed under the person's name, it's filed under the business name…except that one and these four which are business that we file under the person's name.  And half the alphabet is filed in my office and the other half of the alphabet is under the fax machine." 

The above is actually true. At my last job we actually lost half the alphabet for several months after the file clerk decided to reorganize the drawers, then quit.  If I hadn't been dieting at the time she might have stayed.  Productivity might have suffered, but I got back into my skinny jeans during the same time period so who cares, really?

Seriously, though, the most successful I ever was on a diet (lost nearly 30 pounds) was when several people I worked with were dieting at the same time. We encouraged each other and shared diet recipes.  And the office was big enough that all the fat we lost flew on to an unsuspecting shrew in Human Resources. I would say it was a win-win for everyone. 

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