Saturday, July 20, 2013

How Not To Pick Up Girls

I went out with Asterisk last night, to a bar, without children, like real grown ups.

I wore these yellow shoes that I love and are one size too big, but I pretended no one noticed the gap at the back. I choose denial on occasion. It works for me.

I had a new dress I wanted to wear, but I bought it a few pounds ago and I was a little insecure about my stomach. I found an old stomach cinching pair of  underwear that came up to my waist and had lots of elastic in helpful places.  I put on the dress, and the special underpants gave me weird and unnatural bulges in unexpected places. The top of the briefs also wanted to roll a bit, which actually makes your waist thicker.  I remembered once again why these things are not the solution to losing a few pounds, but I was too lazy to take them off (they require a bit of tugging to get them on) so I just went with a flowy dress. It was hot, anyway.

My dress had a racer back (think criss-cross straps for those unfamiliar) so I couldn't wear a regular bra.  Luckily, I had a convertible strap bra that you can make go criss-cross, but unluckily I only had one strap.  Seeing as the bra theoretically could be worn strapless, I decided to go with one. I felt slightly like lady liberty, but figured tugging one side of a bra beat tugging up both sides.

I was dressed five whole minutes before the babysitter got there! I was an awkward success!  Asterisk and I went to a local bar with an outdoor seating area and soon had met a few men who were eager to make our acquaintance. 

I generally assume that people lie when they are drunk and trying to impress you, so I assumed the doctor, lawyer and salesman were probably not a doctor, lawyer, and salesman. They swore they were, and they might have been.  They were definitely funny and strange and amusing.   Two of them were vying for my attention, and neither of them had any chance in hell not only with me, but with anyone with an ounce of sense. 

Here's why (single guys, listen up):

1. No one asked if I was married, single, dating, had a boyfriend, etc.  One would think this might be relevant if you plan on seeing someone for more than five minutes in a bathroom stall. One might also think that before you wasted your time, you would be curious. The lack of asking implies that you aren't in it for the long run, so it doesn't matter. Most girls like to think that men are interested in them for longer than the time it takes to zip their fly.

2. Although they talked about what they did for a living, no one asked what I did. No one cared if I worked, was on welfare, loved my job, or hated it.

3. No one asked me how old I was, or if I had kids. When I volunteered that I had kids, no follow up questions were asked. Note: people with kids will like you more if you ask at least one question about them. Most people can't shut up about their children, and I certainly get that you don't want to even think about kids if you are thinking about getting someone in the sack. If you are wooing someone with kids, pretending that they don't have any will not score you any points.  Again, it implies that you don't really give two shits about the person, and only want to get them in bed.

Are you getting the picture?  I was told how pretty I was, but neither guy had any interest in me beyond that.  They liked me for laughing at their jokes and listening to them, and looking attractive.  They were dismayed that this didn't work as well for me as it did for them.  

How it works in the minds of men (actual lines I have been told):

LINE: Of all the girls here, you are the only one I want to take home.
ME: Fabulous! Let's jump in bed!

LINE: I'm a doctor/lawyer/Indian Chief and I have a nice car.
ME: Yay! Can I give you a blow job in the parking lot?

LINE: You are so pretty. I noticed right off when you walked in how pretty you are.
ME: Really? I am appealing to the opposite sex? Let's go in the men's room and get a lil sumpin-sumpin!

Now, that's not to say that women don't like to be told that we are pretty - of course we do. But we also like to feel interesting and smart and funny.  A guy that can make you feel like that is a guy who actually has a chance.

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