Monday, June 17, 2013

Why I Need a Dog, With Visuals

I need a puppy.  I don't mean I want a puppy, I mean I need a puppers, badly. And I need a big one.  I have an affinity for large dogs, well, extra-large dogs, really.  My very best most beloved dog ever was a giant Rottwoofer (Rottweiler sounds too tough and scawwy) who weighed in at 150 pounds.  He was human sized and you could hug him as hard as you wanted without his eyes popping out of his head. This is a very important consideration in my world.

Here's why a puppy is essential to my life:

First of all, I think my blog needs better graphics, and I get all stressed out over crediting other people's stuff and it would be easier if I could just supply my own graphics, for which I need a puppy, obviously.

I can provide many adorable graphics and I don't smell bad. I promise. 
Photo credit:

Second of all, if you read my boob blog, you would know that I am encroaching on menopause.  I had always wanted to have a third child if I could get my life together.  I am having to accept that I didn't manage to get my life together in time to reproduce again, which is probably better anyway, but still is a damn good reason to get a puppy, in my opinion, particularly an 8 pound puppy that is the size of a snuggly baby.

Thirdly, I am the head of my household.  I can get a dog without consulting anyone.  I have the power. I don't need to connive I mean convince any of you it is a good idea, I can just march down to the animal rescue and rescue one. I did consult  with the children, and they concurred that getting a puppy was a damn fine idea. (Have I told you lately how brilliant and well-reasoned my kids are?)

Now, some might argue that I already have a dog, which is true, but not valid.  Yes, I have a dog, but he is old and no longer amusing.  He is also the size of a large cat, so I'm not sure he counts as a dog.  He's kind of like having a big lazy rat that smells bad and lays on the couch all day.

I am useless for providing cute photo-ops. And I look like a giant rat.

Others might point out that the existing dog also hates other dogs, particularly big ones, and therefore it wouldn't be "fair" to him.  This is bull shit.  My dog has issues, yes.  But don't you think it is enabling him to continue being an asshole by allowing his anger management issues to dictate who can live in my house?  Shouldn't he have to confront his fear of inferiority and learn to be OK with being a dog of small stature?

There has also been talk of how I am somewhat domestically challenged and therefore might be overwhelmed by the excessive dog hair/smell/chewing things up aspect of puppy rearing.  Pah, I tell you. My new puppy dog will not shed or smell.  If she does, it will be so cute that I won't mind cleaning up after it, or I can also buy carpet fresh.

See why I should not draw? And look how happy they all are!

The kids will help me take care of it. Hahahahahahaha ok I can't even say that with a straight face.  

Let me try that again:
We will get used to the doggy smell and not notice it, therefore the dog smell will only affect visitors.
  1. I can be antisocial and not have people over for years at a time. A precedent for that has already been set.

2. Worrying about what other people think is negative self image, and I should not plan my life worrying about if people who don't live in my house think it smells too doggy.  What next - will I have to mow my yard to please the neighbors? Once you start down this road, there's no going back. 

The only legitimate issue is that my current yard can not contain the amount of poop a big dog produces.  We dog-sat for my ex-husband's lab for half a day or an hour or something once and he took one shit that covered my whole back yard.  I can say I will walk the dog, but this is me we're talking about.  I am the queen of laze.  I will never walk the dog, and it will be a few years before I can force the children to do it on their own.  But I have a solution - move!  All I have to do is get a bigger yard.  Don't tell me I don't know how to weigh the pros and cons of something. I am excellent at rationalization.  

But, what if someone adopts her before I can move? Better go get her now, before she is adopted. 

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