Monday, May 27, 2013

My Unsolicited and Unpaid Product Review of Colgate Optic White Toothpaste

Because I love my readers so much, I decided to do you a favor.  I bought Optic White Toothpaste - the one that promises whiter teeth in just one week- and I decided to document my teeth every day for a week for you.  Or close to a week. Whatever.  I have a problem with commitment. We'll see how this works out. 

I figure if you are like me you are really curious about this product but don't trust advertisements at all.  Seeing as I am not getting paid for this, you can trust me.  Technically, I paid them to do this, because I bought the damn toothpaste without a coupon even.

I took pictures of myself every morning after brushing my teeth in approximately the same lighting/position.  I did not alter my brushing routine, which means if I had a glass of wine after brushing my teeth before bed, I didn't run in and brush extra.  If I brushed more than twice a day I used an alternate tooth polish. I did not use mouthwash in case it might have harbored secret whitening properties.  I also did not color correct any of the photographs even though my skin looks really yellow and I'm not really yellow.  I wanted consistent results and something to blame my teeth on if they didn't whiten.  Yellow light is good for that.

Here are my results:
  Teeth Day One:
Wow, my smile is crooked. My skin is yellow.

Teeth Day Two:
I wonder if I have facial weakness causing my uneven smile. But my teeth are whiter. Then again, my skin is less yellow.

Teeth Day Three:
Trying my hardest to raise my cheek to even out smile.  Now I am obsessing about my lips. My top lip seem inverted.

Teeth Day Four:
Ahh, I am yellow again.  My teeth look slightly like I ate classroom chalk. but so does my skin.  I definitely need lipliner.  Looking at my mouth is getting kind of creepy.  Do I really want everyone on the internet to look this closely at my smile? What about people I've never met? What about the size and shape of my teeth? Are they appropriate? 

Devise cheek exercise:

Realize I am much wrinklier on one side of face than the other.  Feel reassured that my intent to crop all teeth photos will cut out wrinkles as well.  Wonder about facial weakness/possibility of undetected stroke. Try to assess if the side I can't raise up as high is less wrinkly than the side that smiles easily. Wonder if things in life were funnier if I would have smiled more often with both sides of face (instead of one)  and therefore developed a more even smile.  Debate if I should be doing exercises to lift smile evenly or should concentrate on facial paralysis to defeat wrinkles.  This leads to thoughts on Botox.  No, Botox sounds gross.  Maybe Botox not as crazy as I once thought. Maybe it's fun to look perpetually surprised. 

Day Five:

Wow, I think my teeth actually are whiter and my smile more even.  I must remember to note that there is no increased tooth sensitivity. My readers might want to know. I certainly would.  Realize I am getting way creeped out looking at my teeth this closely. Realize I would have sucked as a dental hygienist. Then again I never actually contemplated becoming a dental hygienist anyway so it's no great loss.  Wonder if everyone looking at these pictures are judging my tooth size,  tooth spacing, smile symmetry and obvious need for lip liner. Try multiple versions of the spelling the word symmetry to get close enough for spell check to figure out what I am saying.

 Remember an America's Next Top Model episode that talks about the correlation between beauty and symmetry. Wonder if that whole symmetry = beautiful thing is why I am only an "8" and not a "10" or if it has to do with confidence. Realize I just admitted to the internet that I watch ANTM and they already know I am almost 40 because I mention my age at least once a week.Feel somewhat reassured that not many people know my blog exists and therefore mostly people I know will be judging me.  Feel less reassured that people who know me in real life will now look more closely at my teeth the next time they see me.  Decide to go to bed.

Day 6:
I'm not sure I can take another day looking at my teeth.  I'm not sure they are whiter.  I am starting to think this is bullshit.  Definitely need to do more cheek exercises.  Wonder if everyone on the internet will find my lopsided smile charming.  Wonder why my orthodontist never put braces on my bottom teeth back in high school. Have blinding realization that if everyone is staring at my mouth as a result of this they won't notice the wrinkles around my eyes.  Decide this blog idea was brilliant. Decide teeth are definitely whiter.

Day 7:
Oh look, I'm pink!  But my teeth are whiter.  See, the stuff works, and I made it an entire week.  I am glad of many things :
1. Toothpaste worked.
2. Cropping of photo hides large pimple on my cheek.  I remember when I thought acne magically cleared up when you went to college.  How naive I once was.
3. I am done with this blog! I never have to scrutinize my teeth daily, except for lingering broccoli.

Now can someone tell me how I can get paid for this?  Because I rock as a product tester.


  1. I am also using Colgate Optic White Platinum toothpaste. It's ships in a nice designed package, but that is probably not why you will buy it. It is also a great toothpaste that helps to protect against cavities and strengthens the enamel.

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